Consolidation

2 minute read

[2021-11-08 Mon 20:27] - 7861

Lately, I’ve been experiencing burnouts at a greater than usual frequency due to seemingly extreme workloads. I do not know of good ways to let go of the accumulated steam in an intermittent fashion. I do, however, end up letting it off in unintended and sub-optimal ways post these burnouts. These ways don’t particularly help me with the next bout of pushing through. Finally, I do get into survival mode to pull myself out of the quicksand of an incoming stream of work.

Occasionally, I do feel like giving up on the whole hassle of working hard (or at least trying to..), to let go, to let life take its course. That would be very easy and relaxing I bet. I haven’t ever done so and wouldn’t be doing so, however.

I’ve known the following for a long time but this is the first time I’m actually verbalizing it fairly clearly: I haven’t ever had a good plan in place to relax.

I, however, do end up chancing upon things that feel good but I never do hold on to them. Reading is fine but I’m slowly saturating in terms of new ideas to be encountered and stimulated by. I don’t usually read fiction and haven’t been able to figure out exactly why, because I am a very active movie buff: I carefully choose the good ones, and criticize them non-numerically, and intend that those 150 minutes were really well spent. I can’t watch movies all the time: they’re only good once a week. Reading non-fiction is my thing but it is not particularly enticing when you’re at your lowest in the middle of the day. I enjoy working out but I do that first thing in the morning and hence can’t use that to let off any steam during the day. I was a retro-gamer but I don’t want to spend anymore time in front of a computer screen than necessary with the same posture for a long duration. Walking with music or podcasts seems good but it’s not particularly attractive. Boredom feels good and right some days but is unbearable when, again, you’re at your lowest.

I have been journaling fairly frequently for the past month (tends to go up during stressful times) and midst the rants and chore-ish logs, I do end up having some good observations. That feels unusually satisfying.

I plan to deterministically write every day at the end of the day: with wanting to write at any other time left to my whims: the end is deterministic.

Surprisingly, typing feels better than writing with a pencil. I’m going to relax by consolidating my days at their ends. I will be bored some days but I’ll push through - will not be actively seeking any sort of excessive stimulation for some time.

I start today, at the cusp of another burnout, hence the slightly repetitive and zombie-ish structure of this post today. My future self would probably excuse that.

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