An End

[2022-03-21 Mon 13:48] - 7994

Sunday morning 0100 hrs, my first relationship (~20 months) came to an end: we separated with the reasoning that we are in incompatible phases of our life right now.
She was my first true friend with whom I did not refrain from talking about what’s on my mind and suddenly there’s no one but just this blog and my journal.

I find myself behaving differently immediately and somewhat involuntarily. As expected, the amount I laugh, smile, smirk have dipped drastically: my friends are starting to question why I’m unusually serious (I’m usually serious as well, but this time its not in accordance to my volition).

I find myself unable to acknowledge (with a chuckle, laugh or any reaction along those lines) the minor moments in my life and that I previously easily did. I’m not exactly absent, but just don’t care enough to react: All of this is involuntary by the way and I don’t really want to be the silent guy who kills off a joyful mood in a group.

On that note, I also find myself unable to bring up this topic with my friends directly: don’t want any sympathies..

Finally, I naturally chose not to listen to music on my workout today and am just dialing into my surroundings way more efficiently. I’m narcissistic and usually don’t miss a chance to catch a glance of myself in any sort of mirror (windows do act as one) and I would usually go out of my way slightly (literally) to do that. Today, however though ¹, I am not caring enough and simply moving right into the next thing when I’m done with one - I’m , again involuntarily, robotic.

This week happens to be the mid-semester vacation and most of my friends are going somewhere with other independent subsets of friends and I have time for myself again (this was planned) where I’m truly alone after a long time - truly now that I don’t have anyone to talk freely as well. Consequently, to fully embrace the suck, am giving up music, podcasts and visual forms of entertainment again: for an indefinite period this time and I feel fine about that - will be reading and writing and studying. Whatever I experience in the following days, I know for sure that I’m not escaping any of it.

1. I don’t know if this is correct but quite interesting ↩